I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
