I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
