Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
