He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
