listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
