I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
