Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
