So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
