Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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