I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
