I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
