I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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