This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
