i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He passed out mid-signature
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
