I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
