I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
