I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
