Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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