Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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