I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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