Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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