she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
