I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
