my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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