I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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