my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
