We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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