I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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