Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
