ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
