Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
