I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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