The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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