I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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