Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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