You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
