you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
