So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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