A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
