Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
