if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
