just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
