I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
