i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
