dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
