Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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