Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
