She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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