I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize