Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
