I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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