I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
