I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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