My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
