It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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