my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The struggles of a small town man whore
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
