She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
