woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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