I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
