I wish I could punch you in the face.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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