Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
