I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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