good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
