Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm just crazy horny about you
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
