He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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