i think my tv is drunk
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
