it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
