I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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